Who's Laughing Part III

Sedap

While I was lazying around the living room at my friend’s place in Terengganu, my handphone rang. It was Ma. Hi Ma, what’s up?

“Hi, tadi Evo dropped by. She thought you sudah balik from holiday.”

Really?

“Yeah, and dia dah balik. She’s heading to Seremban tonight. Evo’s really nice, she bought makanan for you, Fir, Papa and Mama. And there’s a note for you.”

A note? Ma, did you read the note? I asked.

“Yes.”

Typical. Ma, what does it say?

“Dear Muddy, I brought mee bandung for you. Hope it will make you laugh. Hugs, Evo.”

I said goodbye to Ma, and stared at the TV. How can mee bandung make me laugh? After several minutes driving down memory lane, it hit me and brought me back to a night when both of us were craving for mee bandung...

The Best Company

Little pieces of Chinese heaven

It was Finally-Fucking-Friday night, and Khaylis called to see where I was. I am proceeding to Bukit Bintang, I responded. “Cool,” she said, “I will get the table first.”

That night, a couple of graduates from my high school congregated at a swanky restaurant in Starhill over several plates of dim sum and hot Chinese tea. We asked how was work, the usual what’s happening with who-who, and even discussed on the possibility of importing a clothing franchise from Australia to Kuala Lumpur. “I was also thinking of bringing in Target,” Gin said. “You should bring Gap!” Khaylis squealed.

When we were full, called upon the bill and realized that there were an extra 20 ringgit nobody wanted to claim back, we all democratically agreed to proceed to Lecka Lecka just outside the mall to indulge in Chocolate, Orange, Pistachio, and Crème Brule ice cream.

Guys, I said, while Chocolate dribbled on my tongue, Don’t ever go watch Land of the Dead. It was bad. Like, why the hell would the slayers of zombies wanted to go to Canada because “there is nothing over there”? Don’t they know Canada pun ada manusia juga that are possibly zombies as well?

And there we were, going on and on at the lists and lists of bad movies we watched. On top of my list was Playing God, a movie both David X-Files and Angelina Jolie featured in. I remember there were only like five people in the whole theatre in KLCC watching that movie. And the funny thing was that I couldn’t remember why it was bad, but remember the huge headache I got from watching it. Yes, that bad.

"Hey," Zales shouted from the corner, "Remember this?" She lowered down her voice and bellowed, "Hey, my name is Deja Vu." She turned to her right and said, "Yes, have I seen you before?"

And we all laughed. Laughed so loud that the Arabs at the next table chuckled with us, because we all knew that it was indeed a night of great company.

Leaving the Best Company

Does these grow on trees?

Dear All,

This is it guys. Today is my last day at my company. And for some odd reason, I feel somewhat sad. I will miss you my laptop. I will miss you my cubicle. I will miss you my clients. I will miss you my colleagues. And I am actually missing my infamous boss.

I had great times here. Sometimes I feel like I am indeed an overpaid blogger and tea lady. But I am happy about that.

Which brings me to another point. The ultimate reason why I am able to blog consistently is because I have internet access at the office. I don't at home. So you know where this is going: I don't know whether I am able to blog like I am used to in my new company. Word has it that they restrict www.blogger.com. So, macam mana?

Am I to resort into forking out cash for that swanky Apple laptop and Streamyx this weekend to save my love in writing? Or am I to resort to becoming one of those cyber cafe bums during the weekend and blog away? How huh? Tak da ke sugar mommy nak sponsor aku nih???

I have to figure out someway or somehow to avoid a goodbye. Because saying goodbye to my company is already hard enough, what more to the blog world?

In the meantime, please take note that tomorrow, my toes will once again breathe under the salty waters of Terengganu. Can't wait.

Sincerely,
Muddy

In New York Last Night

Idol

Dear Sting,

Please take note that last night, during my company's annual dinner, I sang your song for the kareoke competition. "An Englishman in New York" is among my favorite, and yeah, I decided to do that one. My company folks actually ate my act like the delicious halal Chinese 10 course meal we had. And I won!!!

Cheers,
Muds

Over Stolen Lunch

"Bitch, where's my sandwich?"

The thing about my industry is that everyone loves a good gossip. Especially when it is about bitches.

It began with this certain email...:

From: Nugent, Katrina
Sent: Thursday, 1 September 2005 9:39 AM
To: sydflr19A - Senior Associates; sydflr19L - Lawyers; sydflr19S - Support Staff
Subject: My lunch...

Yesterday I put my lunch in the fridge on Level 19 which included a packet of ham, some cheese slices and two slices of bread which was going to be for my lunch today.

Over night it has gone missing and as I have no spare money to buy another lunch today, I would appreciate being reimbursed for it.

Katrina Nugent
ext 4739/4434
Allens Arthur Robinson online: http://www.aar.com.au

---

From: Bird, Melinda
Sent: Thursday, 1 September 2005 9:55 AM
To: sydflr19A - Senior Associates; sydflr19L - Lawyers; sydflr19S - Support Staff
Subject: RE: My lunch...

Katrina

There are items fitting your exact description in the level 20 fridge. Are you sure you didn't place your lunch in the wrong fridge yesterday?

Regards
Melinda
x4142

---

Melinda

Probably best you don't reply to all next time, would be annoyed to the lawyers.

The kitchen was not doing dinner last night, so obviously someone has helped themselves to my lunch.

Really sweet of you to investigate for me!

Katrina Nugent
ext 4739

---

Katrina

Since I used to be a float and am still on the level 19 email list I couldn't help but receive your ridiculous email - lucky me!

You use our kitchen all the time for some unknown reason and I saw the items you mentioned in the fridge so naturally thought you may have placed them in the wrong fridge.

Thanks I know I'm sweet and I only had your best interests at heart. Now as you would say, "BYE"!

Regards
Melinda

---

I'm not blonde!!!

---

Being a brunette doesn't mean you're smart though!

---

I definitely wouldn't trade places with you for "the world"!

---

I wouldn't trade places with you for the world...I don't want your figure!

---

Let's not get person "Miss Can't Keep A Boyfriend".

I am in a happy relationship, have a beautiful apartment, brand new car, high pay job...say no more!!

---

Oh my God I'm laughing! happy relationship (you have been with so many guys - yep really happy relationship with Gav BACKHOUSE), beautiful apartment (so what), brand new car (me too), high pay job (I earn more)....say plenty more.....I have 5 guys at the moment! haha.

---

And the next thing you know, the email was circulated to EVERYONE in the industry. The war only ended with bitches with no jobs. So in conclusion: don't steal someone's sandwich!

Update : Originally, I linked the article from www.theage.com.au on the matter, but apparently, it has been removed from the website. Can this mean that the sandwich war is brought into the court room? Will the FBI intervene and identify what ever happened to the missing sandwich??? And the plot thickens...

Oranges and Apples

When oranges are oranges, and apples are apples

One of the things that I cannot stand are families (or people in general) who would degrade Malaysia quite openly. Yes, we all know that our country is really humid, has bad traffic, that national car is made of tin milo, that the government is corrupted, blah blah blah, but when you go “In THIS country this will never happen” or “In THIS country is so much better”, it can get very annoying. This is especially true when it is a known fact that you are indeed a local, and if you don’t like OUR country, you can always MOVE to another one. (Yes, immigration is an option.)

I still remember two years ago when Wanay and I skipped class to go on a boat ride at Mine’s. As we waited in line to be seated in the boat, we noticed a particular family in front of us who kept pointing at the surroundings. “Look, it’s so dirty!” “Look, the boat is SO small.” To top it off with their really bad British accent, they went, “If we were in THIS country, the river would be much cleaner.” The husband and wife looked at each other as if they said something clever, and then stared at the other boat riders as if we were some back water monkeys.

“Dia orang tuh bising lah,” Wanay said.

I know, I responded.

The boat slowly traveled down the man-made river, passing a small zoo full of many types of feathered species, and surprisingly after the zoo, some really impressive bungalows. While some of the tourists snapped photos, one of the little boy from the annoying family turned to his mother and asked, “Mother, mother, is this Hong Kong?”

I remember Wanay and I burst out laughing, openly, right in front of the very disgruntled mother. Because at that moment, it was they who should have known WHICH country they are at in the first place.

Who's Laughing Part II

When Laughter Involves Exposing Secrets

“Hey you.” It was a voice I heard over the phone that brought me back onto Ramadan 2002, when I was stuck in horrendous traffic on the Federal Highway and with only minutes before buka puasa. My Volvo was low on gas at the time, so to save on the precious fuel, I pulled down the windows and switched off the air con. While my car crawled on the highway, I spotted a shiny red Evo that purred heavily beside me, and through the opened windows, I found a foxy mama with a pony tail driving it. Hot, I thought.

It wasn’t long that we caught each others eyes. She smiled at me a couple of times, and even mouthed out “Like your Volvo” to me. But before I could say thanks to her, the traffic cleared, forcing her car to zoom past by me. The luck, I thought. On my radio, the azan for maghrib played as I rushed to Shell to buy mineral water for me and gas for Volvo. Strangely, the stunning girl with the Evo was at the station as well.

“Sorry if I have disappeared,” she said over the phone, “I have been busy lately.”

Oh wow, same goes babe.

“Busy enough to have lost your sense of humor?”

And that’s when it hit me like a flying basketball to the face that she reads my blog. What??? How did you find out???

“It’s not hard Muddy. You’re the only copper stud I know in KL.”

Oh God! I thought.

“Muddy.”

Yeah?

“I am actually rushing to a movie, but I have to tell you that I know how to make you laugh again.”

How?

“That’s a secret plan,” she said. “I will tell you when I see you.”

We said goodbye and I continued to stare at the white ceiling from my bed. What is this secret plan she’s talking about, I thought. I wonder…

Who's Laughing?

I think the kitten is laughing at me

If you ever meet me, the first thing you will notice is that I love to laugh. Sometimes I think that the people at Friends should have hired me as part of their “laughing” audience because I know I will have done a brilliant job. But recently, after re-reading many of my entries, I realized I have indeed lost my sense of humor. Yeap, it’s gone. Tak dak langsung. Sayonara! And I am now desperately trying to reclaim it.

I imagine my sense of humor with its little legs and hands carrying a leather brief case (and wearing a top hat), and running away to Bali. Or Brazil. But, if it did run away, why is that so?

Ask yourself: when was the last time you laughed out so hard that your perut almost burst? When???

At 4.45 pm at my work area, I actually thought about it to the point my kepala sakit. Is it possible that I am growing cynical by the day? How can I forget about something that I really enjoy? Did I leave it in the car???

I flagged this to Ms D, and she told me that I am like this because I am censoring myself. And when I informed this to Khaylis, she automatically demanded me to see her ASAP this weekend.

I hope they can help. Because I seriously, seriously need to remember how to laugh.

Twisted

When you do feel like sheep

Warning : Please avoid this post if you are already having a shitty day

It began with a friend who called me and said, “It’s true. My company is giving me away six months bonus end of month.” As I was dodging after-work drivers on Jalan Sultan Ismail yesterday, I could not help but shout out back, Congratulations! I freaking hate you!

No, its not that I hate my friend per se. He and the other workers in his fucking company perhaps deserve that extra million. But what bothers me is that after two years of working my bloody ass off, I never had the opportunity to be rewarded like that. Which just makes me so damn angry.

Yes, there was a close time when the Agency planned a company trip to Langkawi. We were all to bake in the sun at the Berjaya hotel, chow down grilled fish, and wash the afternoon away at a spa. We were even to have bad karaoke night. But thanks to my constipated client who wanted me to fly to Penang and emcee a seminar immediately, I could not go.

Ok, perhaps it is my fault that I could not enjoy a fat bonus these years. I have been skipping company to company within the span of two tahuns. In fact, next month, I will be doing the same thing. So, does this mean that my “disloyalty” certifies no reward at all? What bullshit. My brain, sweat, and body have been heavily invested into the successes of your projects; this certifies as loyalty.

It also doesn’t help my porno boss is finding ways not to compensate the 18 unused annual leaves I have been saving. Yesterday, for example, he told my assistant and me that all the letterheads we supposedly wasted were to be paid back from our salaries. GILA!

I may come across angry (correction: fucking angry), but what bothers me is how my current company is shooting me down because I had found a better opportunity elsewhere. Yes, it hurts to say goodbye to an asset. Yes, your clients will probably leave because I did. But what hurts more is how my boss can actually close one eye and claim that the clients I won were actually won by him.

Why? Why? Whyyyy???

Where's the damn time machine?

This morning, I walked into my boss watching porn.

I can never look at him the same way again. Why is it so difficult for me to accept that he is indeed a horny bastard like all of us???

I guess perhaps there's a kid in me who will never believe that his kindergarten teacher, the maid, the imam and the boss ever gets laid.

The Beautiful Ones

Broken

Baby, baby, baby
What's it gonna be...
Is it him or is it me?
Don't make me waste my time
Don't make me lose my mind

Baby, baby, baby
Can't you stay with me tonight...
Don't my kisses please you right
You were so hard to find
The beautiful ones
they hurt you everytime

Paint a perfect picture
Bring to life a vision in one's mind
The beautiful ones
Always smash the picture
Always everytime

If I told you baby
That I was in love with you...
If we got married
Would that be cool?

You make me so confused
The beautiful ones
You always seem to lose...

(Prince, Purple Rain)

A Story I Will Never Know

Balloons

Every morning, I would park my car at the stoney carpark, and stroll down the many abondoned Melaka shophouses to my office. And without fail, I pass this Mystery.

Mystery always sleeps sideways with his knees to his chest on the dirtied tiled floor. His skin is sun scorched, and there are many tiny patches of red, pink and black on his arms. His hair remains unwashed and unbrushed, and his right feet settles in a pool of urine. He only wears a bright green shorts with red and yellow balloon designs all over.

I wonder why he was there. Who knows him. What was his past life. Where will he find food. The questions are endless, which only feeds the mystery.

He is sleeping and decaying alone. I wonder whether he is sleeping away his misery or whether he is indeed very much contented...

But I will never know.

Yap Yap

Still proudly stands on my Waja

Saturday evening, my parents begged me to stay home to take care of Firdaus. “We need to go on a date,” they said. So, being the obedient son, I kicked them out of the house, let Firdaus play his Detective set, while I grabbed a packet of Vinegar chips and cuddled up on the yellow sofa to watch bad television. As I surfed the channels on Astro, I came upon a talk show with four individuals sitting on a long table, yapping loudly over each other. A debate! I thought.

Apparently, the topic was “Merdeka : Trend or Tradition?” and like most intellectual discussions, noses flared, eyes popped, and hands were waved hysterically in the air as each grew more defensive :

- A young consultant argued that Merdeka isn’t trend or tradition. It is semangat.

- A TV male celebrity, with his confused brown hair, said that today’s youth do not understand the meaning of Merdeka. He was also persistent to say that local media production failed to “story tell” effectively on themes of nationalism compared to Hollywood movies.

- A man with a blue batik shirt said that there are many ways to show patriotism, from concerts to communal prayers.

- A young lady from UITM said that it is better to have a special day where people unite to show patriotism than have none at all.

While I agreed that it was healthy to have everyone vomit their views on TV, I did go into utter shock when one actually questioned why Merdeka was not celebrated the whole year long. Well, this sounded to me like a disgruntled accountant in KPMG who wished that the weekend will never end. Are you gila??? Well, yes, perhaps what he questioned was how come people are overly semangat only on the National Holiday, and not throughout the year. But, to me, there is indeed a flaw in this thought.

Well, let’s see. Are you saying that people in general are not patriotic enough? And exactly how should the public show patriotism throughout the year? Wear batik? Drive Protons? Eat satay Kajang everyday??? The consultant first said that Merdeka is semangat, but quickly turned around and questioned people’s semangat on August 31, saying KLCC concerts and putting up Jalur Gemilang on cars were inappropriate and tak payah. Well, who are you to tell us what is tak payah???

Let me tell you something. On Merdeka eve, my friends gathered at Ascott and got ourselves drunk. On Merdeka day itself, my family and I went to PJ Hilton and had high tea. Are you telling me that my way of celebrating Merdeka is not nationalistic? Unpatriotic? Anti-Malaysia? I think not! I believe how a person celebrate Merdeka is up to the person, and should not be questioned. In fact, we gathered in the spirit of union. We gathered to embrace the fact that family members are alive because of peace, a growing economy and national independence. So, let us celebrate the way we want to. Let us understand Merdeka the way we want to.

It’s like how we keep in touch with God. It’s special and usually up to the individual. It is Choice. It is not Failure.

In addition, I was annoyed at how the TV celebrity went on and on that local media productions are too blatant, too in your face with patriotic messages. According to him, the Hollywood movies are better at it. Well let me see. Is this a problem with local media productions with Merdeka advertisements / drama / movies, or is this a problem with the local media production as a WHOLE? Please celebrity, you must realize that there is a vast, deep lake underneath the thin ice you scrutinize. And besides, I personally think that the Petronas / Mas / TNB commercials are the best and are very well done. I got the message. I always have.

Okay, perhaps I should stop rambling at this, be patriotic and switch the channels immediately. MTV, here I come!

Not Exactly Back to the Future

Um, what year is this?

Well, I'll be damned. Ms Khaylis and Ms Yoga have tagged me to complete this self-reflection meme. Ok, I will do it, but be warned. I am not completely rationale because (1) my mind is already on weekend mode, (2) didn't get much sleep. Had sex last night.

20 Years Ago, 1985
-The first time I flew on an airplane
-The first time I traveled overseas
-The first year living in the grey colored Beijing, China
-The first time exposed to duty free Lego sets and Transformers
-The first time I tasted Peking duck / dumplings / roasted sweet potato / shark fin soup / halal-Chinese buffets
-First time I saw and made friends with mat salleh / african / japanese kids when I went to a posh kindergarten at Hotel Lido
-Had a difficult time saying "the" (my tongue only said "da" cat, "da" toilet etc)

10 Years Ago, 1995
-Came back to Malaysia from Athens, Ohio
-Went into 9th Grade in ISK"Hell"
-Despite being a freshmen, hanged out with the juniors (I was soooo cool)
-The first time I smoked Malboro
-The first time I was "18" (my homemade ID card gave me access into Fire)
-The first time I tasted Vodka

5 Years Ago, 2000
-The second year at UNITEN
-Was coined as "The American" or "Mud Salleh" by peers
-Made into Deans Lists despite living in The Backroom / Bali on Wednesday / Thursday / Friday / Saturday and yes, Sunday
-The first time I fell inlove
-The first time I had my heart thrown into acid

3 Years Ago, 2002
-The year that I participated in universities events
-The year that my team became champions for the Business Management Competition
-The year how the juniors whispered-whispered about me because they saw me on MTV
-The horrible year when I streaked my hair blonde (what the hell was I thinking???)
-The year how I lived with my bestfriends (Zales, Efi and Fairil)at posh apartment in 101 Resort
-The year I jammed with underground R&B crooners (now famous) at Bangsar / Uptown
-The year I lived in Barbarrans / Orange with Aeyya

Last Year, 2004
-Graduated from UNITEN
-Became a slave at a public relations agency
-Made my first salary
-Tried and failed to become a Malaysian Idol

This Year, 2005
-Work, work, work at a corporate advisory group
-Gym, gym, gym with Gym Goddess Maya and Khaylis
-Bond, bond, bond with The Usual Suspects
-The first exposure to the Blog World
-The first time I fell inlove with writing
-Moving onto greener pastures and sell my soul to an oil and gas company

Next Year, 2006
-Work, work, work at an oil and gas company

10 Years from Now, 2015
-34, and filthy rich
-Married with a non-celebrity / non-royal / non-lawyer wife and have four beautiful kids
-Still the hot shit

Ok, I am tagging Mangolisa, The Kimster, Ms D, Silent and Madnessinvain.