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Killing Your Own

I just found out that Raya is no longer going to be the same. And it kills me.

Ma called me during lunch time, crying over the phone that Atok Wan just lost the house.

What do you mean Ma?

For the past year, Atok Wan's only and younger brother claims that he has the right over the wooden house my grandmother lived in for over 48 years. In his bid to find quick fortune, he have "legally" claimed back his 3/6th ownership of the house, and told my grandmother to move out, so he could rent it out to some Singaporeans. According to him, Atok Wan should be grateful to him as he has waived the rental fees she owes him for 48 years.

How the hell can he treat his own sister like an animal???

Raya is not going to be the same for my family. And it kills me completely.

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Atok Wan, how are you?

"Ok," my grandmother responded over the phone. "How's work? Hear that you are a big shot corporate consultant."

Hehehehe, biasa je. Tapi really like my job.

"That's good to hear."

How's living with Auntie? Ok?

"Yeah, semua okay. Anyway, this Raya, you won't be complaining."

Why is that?

"Because you don't need to use the old jamban kat luar tu ever again. Kan selalu complain that malam malam buang air besar scary? Now, over here, you can use the toilet kat dalam rumah."

Hehehehehe!

No Claws, No Balls

Unleash the Animal in You!

There I was surrounded by familiar faces which I haven't seen for almost a year. Or two years. Even three. It could be regarded as a mini highschool reunion, where many of us laughed, hugged (really hugged) and excitedly asked, "Where have you been?" to each other. Among two crowded tables at the club below Passion, my ex-girlfriend was there as well. I thought she looked really good. (But that's another story...)

After hours of talking, many of us migrated to the open-air dancefloor in the middle of the club. As we started dancing, I realised that one of our friends (let's call her Jane) brought along an actor friend with her. From the way they danced with each other, many came to the senses that something-something was up, and flashed thumbs up or mouthed out "You go girl" to her discreetly behind her project. She beamed gleefully.

But out of nowhere, this tiny girl with leather tube top and the shortest skirt came running to Actor and hugged him. Fair enough I thought, until we all saw how she left her arms around his waist and got Jiggy with it for several, several songs. Our friend kept on dancing besides them, looking puzzled. And this brought upon angry thoughts of Oh no, you didn't... in my head.

Perhaps it was perfect timing because Gwen's Stephani's "Hollerback Girl" blasted in the air. Many of us signaled to Jane to move in and get her man back! But she kept on dancing, brushing it off as if it was okay, when we all know it wasn't. Well, it wasn't for me that is.

I kept on looking at Actor, but he looked at me as if he was helpless. Please dude, I thought, just move along and dance with Jane! But, he didn't and provided me with the helpless look. I almost vomitted.

My ex-girlfriend and I glanced at each other, wanting to help Jane. But alas, to Jane's excitement, that little skank left Actor and paraded to her group of friends, making the Actor moved back to Jane. Seeing it all happened infront of my eyes, I almost vomitted...again.

An Elevator Meme

Definitely not with them

From my previous post, Zetty asked : "Did u ever wish u r stuck with somebody else in the elevator other than the chinese lady and the tudung girl?"

And I was like, Hmmmmm, good question.

It would have been easy if I would have gone down the sexual route, and throw in Ms Jolie, Jessica Alba, or any olive-skin Brazillian model in there with me. Thoughts of I'm-going-to-die would have been converted into I'm-in-Heaven immediately. But if I had to decide only two people with me to be stuck in an elevator, to talk with for hours, who would they be? Siapa, siapa???

After tossing and turning in my bed and still thinking about it when going to work, I boiled them down into two : a blog writer and the other, a musician.

1. Dina Zaman

I went into the blog world really late, like only early this year. The only blogger whom I know (and whom I know in real life) was Khaylis. She coaxed me into having one, because "It'll be fun". I remember I was working on a business plan at work, when she emailed me the blog address, the username, the password she had created for me. Yeah, Laughing Matters would not have existed if it was not for Khaylis.

Anyway, I realised there were million other bloggers out there. Everyone seemed to be sharing their life stories, and I thought that was intriguing. Soon after, I asked Khaylis which blogger I should look out for, and she immediately said, "Dina Zaman. She's really famous, but sorry Muddy, she pulled her blog down sometime ago."

I remember feeling really crushed. I was like, who is she? What did she write about? Why did she pull her blog down before I could even read her writing?

A million to one questions I would love to ask her. Especially if she was stuck in the same elevator with me that day...

2. Lauryn Hill

I remember picking up her Miseducation LP and putting on X-Factor so many times that I wept. It was the most honest break-up song ever, and at that time, it touched me like no other song could.

If she was in the elevator with me, I would love to ask who was she referring to in that song? Was it Wycleff as it was rumored to be? And yes, why haven't she written a second commercial album? Die hard fans like me want to know why!!!

So, Zetty (and everyone else), those are the two people who I wished would have been stuck with me in that elevator that day. As for you, who would they be?

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Based on Reader's comments :

- Blogger : 1 vote
- Musicians : 5 votes
- Doctor : 1 vote
- Fireman : 1 vote
- Stranger with no BO : 2 votes
- Actor : 7 votes
- Bestfriend : 1 vote
- Magic Lamp : 1 vote
- Alone : 1 vote
- Future husband : 1 vote

In conclusion, the majority would like to be stuck in an elevator with an actor of choice to talk to. Yeah, right! Hahahahhaa...;P

Morning Hazard

Bring it!

Every work day, I am extremely early at the office. Don't get me wrong, I ain't a morning person. But the fact that I could have a good 50 minutes just for myself, tending to a hot chocolate by the computer screen (reading blogs), I could not help but be early.

But this morning, my stringent schedule went bonkers. As I realised that the elevator I was riding got stuck.

Brrrrrrriiinnnnnnngggggg!!! Bringgggggg!!! This petite Chinese lady kept on pushing the Bringgggg button. "Aiyoh, stuck ah," she said.

Like duh woman, I thought. The tudung lady besides me looked startled, and held her hand bag closer to her chest. The petite Chinese lady kept on Bringgg-ing.

All of a sudden, the elevator moved, stopped, moved again, and stopped. The door immediately opened, but to our horror (yes, I was scared), it only opened two inches wide. Through the crack, it was obvious that we were stuck between the third and the forth floor.

"Aiyoh, macam mana?" the petite Chinese lady said.

On my left, the tudong lady was already on Bismillahirahmannirahim mode, while I suggested to petite Chinese lady whether we should pry the door open. "Yeah, good idea!" she said. Both of us grabbed our respective side of the door and pulled. Surprisingly, it worked!

"Sekarang, macam mana?" the tudong lady asked. Sweet God, good point. Are we to climb or to roll over to the third floor? For some reason, both options looked incredibly Mission Impossible.

As I stood there to think, the elevator door shut again, and I remember at that exact point, that I was going to be a goner. But, I guess God still have faith in me, as I found the elevator lowering down to the ground floor and opened. Immediately, all three of us rushed out like very mad prisoners, and became bestfriends with the staircase that day.

PS: Just for the day...

Dining Matters

"Erm, where did they go?"

I've discovered that food is the magnet of friendships. Especially recently.

When over-worked schedules finally coincide, my friends and I gather over deliciously prepared cuisines to debate, laugh, and (always) bitch over our most recent adventures.

However, no matter how pleasant the conversations we indulge in, the air immediately changes when the bill arrives. For some reason, everyone feels more tense, while faces grow more serious. Because in everyone's mind, everyone wonders how should the bill be split.

We can all pay for our own share. Yes, but sad to say some forget to include in the service and government tax, so some tend to a pay a tad more. (This may come across a tad berkira, but hey, it's the truth.)

When food are shared, I thought it be best that the bill be divided into the number of people there. But, then again, some eat less, while some ate more. So, is this fair?

Bill time always reminds me of a Friends episode, where Joey, Rachel and Phoebee justified why the bill should not be divided into six, because "I just ate a leaf of lettuce," Rachel said.

So, low and behold, even after mastering the art of financial analysis, I still can't figure this one out...

Booker

Dusty

I cringed. Seriously down-to-the spine cringed when Senor Anuar Fariz tagged me to continue the Book Meme. I was like Que Pa Sa??? Because, on the contrary to some of your beliefs, I am really not a reader. Heck, I haven't picked up a novel for a gazillion years. Like gazillion gazillion years! Lately, and especially after working at a PR agency, I have resorted into reading tons and tons of magazines. Okay, sue me if I like stories with pictures by them; it's a old habit I stay dear to ever since reading the Archies and X-Men comics.

But since I have to stick to the tradition (or something creepy with long hair might come visit me), here we go!

How many books do I own?

Very, very little. I would say that 90 percent of the books I own were smuggled from my highschool library, and I guess remained permanent by my bed stand since. Overall, I can say is that my collection is *ahem* very embarrassing.

The last book you bought?

Oh God, when and what huh? Okay, if my memory is still intact, it is Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan. I bought it when I first started college, because 1) Khaylis always raved about Amy Tan and 2) wanted to know why. When I read the novel, I fell ccompletely in love at how it was delivered. It was written under the voices of two protagonists: Pearl (the Chinese-American) and Winnie (her mother). There was a moment in the story when I silently wept. For that, this novel remains quite dear and true to me.

Five books that mean a lot to me?

1. Obviously, Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan. The reasons? See upstairs.

2. 1984 by George Orwell. I originally picked up this novel because I had to for an English assignment. (Huhuhuhu) That aside, as I continued reading, I realised that the deeply pessimistic world Orwell painted was not a far-cry world we live in. Big Brother resembled so close to dis-comfort the many governments we know. In turn, I remember moaning in pain when Winston was tortured with the cage of rats in Room 101. Since then, Orwell's celebrated piece remains my most political favorite.

3. Animal Farm by George Orwell. Yes, I became an Orwell addict and wanted more! And this piece did not fail, as I remember reading it quickly over night. More political than Charlotte's Web, I was engrossed at how the pigs ruled and manipulated the other animals. The We-Don't-Do-Human-Things and then seeing the pigs turning into one was a hoot. And I remember feeling deeply, deeply sad when Boxer (the cart-horse) got shipped to the soap factory by the pigs. *Sniff sniff* Damn you, Napoleon!!!

4. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Again, I read this novel for an English assignment. (Hehehehe) Anyway, I found that Fitzgerald did a fantastic job at luring us back into America, right after World War 1. Despite revealing that many were clearly poor, there was segments of society that managed to rise above financially. More like extreme success as reflected by Gatsby's lifestyle and his elaborate parties (which would have been extremely cool to go to). The character I hated the most in this novel was Daisy. She was gedek to the max, and I felt like strangling her. Every. Damn. Time.

5. Macbeth by Shakespeare. Again, I read this novel for...yes, for English class. My superficial reason why I loved this was the Witches' spell. People rumored that Shakespeare took samples of actual spells for the infamous "Double double toil and trouble..." spell. And say that if you breathed Macbeth's name behind the theatre's walls, something bad might happen to you. Like losing an arm. Cool school!

Okay, to continue the tradition, I call upon :

1. Random Girl
2. Davina
3. Dade Ghost
4. Theroadie
5. Lissa Karina
6. Kepala Angin

...to share their reading materials with me. Enjoy!

Consumer Rights

The Wrong Food Pyramid

A very informative and good friend of mine recently told me that he is at war. Apparently, in between our dialouge sessions via Yahoo Messenger, he was in the middle of writing a letter to the directors of Giant.

What the hell for? I asked him.

"For their stupidity," he replied. "I discovered that Giant have been mixing non-halal goods with halal ones."

What??? I shop there! But I don't recall seeing any pork items...

"Halal is beyond the pork issue," he typed back. "You see, the Japanese instant noodles are non-halal and are stocked right next to your beloved Maggi. This is not right."

"And by the way," he added. "Haven't you noticed that there isn't a halal logo on Colgate or even on Pringles?"

Erk???

How the hell can this possibly be happening? How can non-halal goods be placed next to halal ones? How can everyday consumer goods like chips and toothpaste not carry the halal logo? Sweet God, how serious is this country with the halal issue?

First, it was IKEA's sausages. Last time I heard was Wrigley's Chewing Gum. Sigh, it's like I am shopping at Wal Marts all over again...

After

Leonardo Da Vinci Fashion Line

I am turning into a hopeless romantic, I swear, and it's not funny.

Last night, I managed to catch Ever After, a new-aged translation of Cinderella, on Cinemax. Or was it HBO? Anyway, I have watched it once upon a time, but since Monday television wasn't exactly exciting and there was nothing else to do, I decided to stay up and watch. Besides, I thought that Drew Barrymore was incredibly witty in this movie. Adorable actually. And like how the stupid prince professed to her, it was her mouth that left him intrigued. Obviously me too.

Anyway, after watching the movie, it left me with this feeling. This feel-good feeling that only movies can have on me. It's like a high minus the weed. And I enjoyed it. If you could take a picture of me sleeping last night, I would have this huge grin on my face. Ok, for once, let's call it a smile.

I don't know exactly what I am rambling about. This is not the usual type or style of post that I would normally write about. But I felt like doing it. Even if it means there isn't a clear explanation to it. Like falling in love.

Go Shorty!

Zeta Bar

It was midnight on a Saturday, and I was fifteen minutes late. With the gift wrapped in silver paper in my left hand, I zoomed to the entrance of Zeta Bar and said, Wani's table. The door bitch (or bastard in this case) scribbled something onto his clipboard, and said, "Come in. You're late."

Bitch.

I walked into the much-talked about club and realised that I must have stepped into a Gucci catalog, because everyone was dressed to the nines. And, glad to say, there wasn't a mat rempit or a hip hopper in sight. Among the beautiful ocean of cigar smoke, cocktail glasses and nude legs, I managed to find the birthday girl, who grabbed me across the floor, and sang into my ear, "I missed you. You're late!"

I missed you too, babe. I said. Happy birthday!

With Amerie's "One Thing" blasting in the background, I shook hands and schmoozed with Wani's closest friends. Knowing that I no longer drank, Wani constantly supplied me with iced Coke, which made me was the happiest man there. As we all danced, shared stories, and drank all night, I realised that one of my buddies was getting it on with a hottie next door.

"You see that?" Teddy asked me.

Oh yes, I see. I replied. Apparently, Waf got lucky as the lady in black typed her number into his Nokia.

"Do you do that?" Teddy asked me.

No, actually I don't. I replied. To think about it, I have never ventured out to accummulate digits in a club. Which is damn strange, to think about it. I mean, isn't Da Club where all the hot girls are dressed to seduce? Where the singles mingle to be attached? Oh God, where have I been???

Because based on my history, where I have met my significant other(s) included :

1. KLCC's LRT station
2. At UNITEN's lounging area
3. A friend's sister
4. Via Friendster
5. On the Federal Highway
6. At Subang's Burger King
7. At Great Eastern Mall...

But never at a club.

Testing

Fragrant

During lunch time today, I decided to bond with the new PA by accompanying her to purchase new stocks of tissue at Guardian. After grabbing six boxes of fresh Kleenx and then realising that there was 20 solid minutes left before lunch time was over, she decided to linger by the make-up area. I, on the other hand, decided to capitalize the time by buying much needed toiletries, like a new stick of deo.

Exploring new brands, I picked up a deodorant from Sanex and sniffed its contents. Wow, it's subtle, I thought.

Out of the corner, the new PA popped up and asked, "What are you doing?"

Smelling...

"You sure you want to smell a deodorant labeled TESTER?"

I paused for a second, and quickly cried out Sick! when realising what I have done.

Forbidden

Dark Fruit

With all my opinions and remarks that I carry proudly in my mouth, I never found myself judging my friends. Whatever they do, I always try to be sympathetic. Understanding. Always reviewing their thoughts and actions in their shoes. But, recently, one of my friends made a statement that drove me completely up the wall. I almost felt like breaking the teh ais glass which I clenched in my hands. And the statement is:

It's damn easy to seduce married men.

Ok, perhaps its not really the statement, because it's a known fact that we (men) can be easily seduced. Even our champion Adam could not resist Eve's lure. But it was the fact that she and her friend seemed completely proud of their actions. As if their experiences merit some sort of an achievement, which I find completely sickening. Even poisonous.

Yes, it takes two to do the destructive dance. Or tango. But, in this case, there's no fucking trophy with it. Kapish?