Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Inside


Dark

If you ever meet me, I might come across as extremely sociable. This is true especially in KL, where I am constantly surrounded by caring and fun individuals, whom I cherish all as friends. But yesterday, I realised that I can count on one hand whom I consider my closest friends. My soul mates. My better halves. And this difference, or special subset, is created based on how well they know me not only in my happiest moments, but also in my darkest hours. Or when I am in theirs.

Last night, one of my closest and dearest friend came to me and revealed how she suffered from deep depression. When I heard about it, I was completely taken aback, because to me, she is the definition of chirpiness. A bouncing bunny. My replica of a laughing addict. And when I asked her why she never told me about this before, she said she didn't know why.

It doesn't matter though, I told her. I am now listening.

---

There are two significant times in my life when I was also depressed.

---

I was 13 years old when I went to Athens Middle School. It was the first time I was in the States, and was extremely excited to enroll myself in a school which I envisioned to be a duplicate of 90210. The kids were really cool to me, especially this Jewish girl named Kate, who told me that she always dream to visit Malaysia and see houses on stilts. And to study the "Arangetaanss".

One of the classes I enrolled in was Health. There I was to learn about the reproduction system and about sex. As interestingly the subject matter was, there was this blond kid named James whom made it all that difficult for me to learn. From him, it was the first time I tasted racism.

"Are you a foreigner?" James asked me.

Yes. I am from Malaysia.

"So, you are an Asian queer right?"

Queer? What's that?

"It means foreigner."

Oh.

"So you agree that you are an Asian queer right?"

I guess so.

Immediately, he stood on his chair and announced to everyone that "Muddy says he's an Asian queer!" The next thing I knew the entire class laughed at me, snickered at me, and pointed at me. And I didn't know why, until one of my classmates named William explained to me what a queer was. I remember, for days and days, I sat in my room, not wanting to go to school. Because, I thought, that nobody liked me.

---

It was my senior year in college, and for some unknown reason, I decided to invest in a relationship. Because she was fun. Because she was beautiful in my eyes. After three months down the happy trail, I found out that she was in fact attached to another guy all the while I was seeing her. And because I was stupid, I decided to continue being with her. Because I loved her. Because she told me she was falling out of love for him.

After another three months, I discovered that she had this habit. Of cheating. Because it turned out that not only was she cheating with her boyfriend with me, she was cheating on me with another guy.

What's wrong with you? I yelled down the phone.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you! You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into."

But I have stood by you all this while.

"Whatever." she said. "Anyway, I don't know why I went out with you in the first place. You are not even that good looking. You are not even that rich either!"

I remember throwing the phone against the wall, not wanting to love anybody else again.

27 Comments:

Blogger kepala_angin said...

so much sadness in this world..

7:39 PM  
Blogger Dade Ghost said...

The darker side of our life. Well it is up to us to make it brighter.... and u r one, that does for others, so why not for u too?
U r cool.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Vlad said...

Getting over a cheated relationship is really a bummer. And looks like I never got myself over it too. LOL

8:16 PM  
Blogger Pantani's 2nd Cousin said...

Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword.

8:50 PM  
Blogger kiezamy said...

hi there..bloghopped from anuarfariz's..interesting blog u got here, i linked yeah? :)

10:02 PM  
Blogger random-girl said...

It is not unusual for someone others would see as extremely chirpy and sociable to get extreme depression. Normally, they are extremely chirpy because they have something to hide...

No one looks for you if you hide in the open.

10:55 PM  
Blogger annabie said...

daamn muddy that's some hatin goin on there! kick her in the shin! and yeah kids can be mean. you should've said somethin like "yeah well guess what everyone? james has a third nipple!" or some shit like that.

11:27 PM  
Blogger yanz said...

that is quite a serious post. with 3 stories in one post. depression.. who hasn't been there??

12:15 AM  
Blogger Muddy said...

kepala angin :

while that is true, there is a lot of happiness in this world also. :)

dade ghost :

no worries dude. this post is my reflection to what i experienced. and yeah, at the moment, i am happy to say that i am pretty content to how life is going. motto is: to look at life with an amusing eye...always.

vlad :

yeah, but to think about it, i am glad that i went through that drama at that time of my life. as cliche as it sounds, it only did make me wiser and stronger, and more loving actually...heheheh

1:54 AM  
Blogger Dade Ghost said...

To TheRoadie,

The sentence u mentioned, brought back dark and sad memories, of my xgf leaving me for another man(Guess I was not good enuf), but true to those words, or something like this, "life is like a merry-go-round".

Why r we being sombre these days?

1:57 AM  
Blogger Muddy said...

Theroadie :

Apparently, I lived by the highway. And ended up being road kill repeatedly...hehehehe...

Kiezamy :

Wow, thanks for dropping by and sure thing! :)

Random-girl :

"No one looks for you if you hide in the open." That's a really great saying there...:)

1:58 AM  
Blogger Muddy said...

Annabie :

The thing is, I so believe in good karma. So, it turns out that after a few semester at that school, I ended up being in the most popular group. To the point that racist James would wave and say HI to me when he passes me in the halls. Whatever hick. Whatever. hahaha...

Yanz :

Yeah, as capable i am in writng funny stories, i am also capable in discussing some deep issues. Multi-talented, that's what i like to think...hahahah (perasan perasan...)

Dade-Ghost :

Do believe in good karma man. She left because she's no longer suppose to be in your life. Someone better and deserving is...:)

2:06 AM  
Blogger Dade Ghost said...

To TheRoadie,

The sentence u mentioned, brought back dark and sad memories, of my xgf leaving me for another man(Guess I was not good enuf), but true to those words, or something like this, "life is like a merry-go-round".

Why r we being sombre these days?

2:30 AM  
Blogger Dade Ghost said...

Ooops how that happened? I sent twice... sorry Muddy....
Well, that was a long ago story.... anyhow serve me and her right!

2:31 AM  
Blogger Muddy said...

Dade ghost :

No worries dude. hehehe...anyway, thinking of submitting "experience" to the kimster for his love project. You?

2:34 AM  
Blogger random-girl said...

Tis not a saying dear... Tis something I realised a long time ago, and tis something I continue to live by :)

2:40 AM  
Blogger silent reverie said...

stumbled on your blog somehow, and i would say that i feel what you went through coz i went through it too...well not exactly the same but somewhat similar. but i learnt that things that dont kill you can only make you wiser.

btw can i link ya? cheers.

3:44 AM  
Blogger annabie said...

haha way to work it mud! yes i believe in karma too.. sometimes.

5:33 AM  
Blogger thingsaboottogetvaryinterestinghear said...

first thing, theres a serious distinction from being sad about something that happened in the past and clinical depression.

second, the guy wasnt being racist, he was being homophobic. and we all know how hilarious it is when we accuse heterosexual people of being homosexual. its a goddamn laugh out loud riot. many heterosexual males bond with each other over accusations of acting queer. what he actually did was an invitation to a friendship. you should've just went along and claimed 'hahaha i'm so lame'. it would've made you look cooler.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Muddy said...

Random-girl :

Well, if it isn't a saying, than I will quote you on it. Cause, frankly, its brilliant. ;)

Silent Reverie :

Hey, thanks for dropping by my blog. :) and yes, despite that it seemed really horrible at that time, i realised that these moments of depression made me only capable of coping with the next...

and yes, link link me away... :)

5:08 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

Annabie :

Believe it, baby. Believe it. hahahaha...By the way, I am obsessed with Gwen's song "Hollaback Girl". It's so retarded, its addictive. Hahaha....

It's BANANAS!

thingsareabouttogetveryinterestinghear :

Wow, dig your blog name! :) and thanks for dropping by...

And true. I don't think I experienced "clinical" depression from those episodes. However, those incidents did made me feel depressed, not sad. This post was simply to provide a snap shot of what happened and what triggered moments of depression. If I was to elaborate more, I rather talk to a friend...

And invitation to a friendship? You may have a point, but I disagree. That dude is racist. He also have this habit of spiting at the African Americans. Is that also an invitation to a friendship? If it is, he's doing an incredibly poor job at it.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Dade Ghost said...

For The Kimster project, already wrote one. Am writing another....but could not do better than the one I already wrote....

6:24 PM  
Blogger disco-very said...

wow, the ugliness you've faced makes me believe that i was born yesterday. sorry to hear about the shit you've faced. a dude like you doesn't deserve it.

a friend in school once asked me if i was ever depressed, and i asked her why. she replied, "because i've read somewhere that the people who love to be funny and make people laugh are actually the saddest inside."
her words have stuck with me ever since because she was correct in my case. i hope your friend pulls through alright.

7:44 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

Disco-very :

Yeah, i guess i didn't deserve it, but the fact that i managed to pull through it, makes me feel accomplished and stronger. so, no worries yeah? :)

And yeah, it was great that she finally opened up to me. Because the first step to recovery is to let the flood gates open...

9:21 PM  
Blogger shell said...

Muddy.. i have been a victim too in my last job. Infact, he did it to all the asians in the boat. He looked us down.. he called us stupid.. but until we prove him wrong..! terduduk dia.. hahaha.. *revenge is sweet.. no?*

1:12 AM  
Blogger Vlad said...

Roadie :
Looks like you trying to quote Tupac too.

Here you can have my gun.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Muddy said...

Shell :

yeah, whatever is sweet is always good. just as long it doesn't bring forth cavaties or diabetes.

vlad :

so that's why it sounds familiar!

5:45 PM  

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