Sunday, February 26, 2006

Us and Them or We

My Precioussssss

I promised to my deeply close friend yesterday that if I ever get married, our friendship would remain the same. Intact. Unchanging. Because how could I ever let it go astray?

However, a review of the married ones around me suggests that perhaps I made that promise too quickly. The reason being is that at that stage of life, priorities change. In fact, it is conservative to say that the vocabularies used by the married ones would consist mostly of “family”, “children”, “spouse”, “love”, and “responsibilities”. And for some reason, “friendship” seemed to be out of place or is regarded as less significant in comparison to the bigger, more important fundamentals.

I am not saying that the married ones don’t have friends. That’s just a stupid sweeping statement to declare. What I am saying is that it does seem that when you do get married, the time given in spending moments with friends gets lesser and lesser every year. But the cause is reasonable. When you have kids, you don’t have every Friday to dance at the latest, trendiest club till the break of dawn. When you have in-laws, you don’t have every Sunday to just eat brunch with friends at Bangsar. There is no argument to that.

But the sad part is, where does that leave us single, unmarried ones? Is it fair that because we are not at that stage of life, we get discarded and shelved until there is time to hang out with us? Are we indeed not as important as we used to be?

I really don’t know the answer. At the moment, the majority of my deeply close friends are not married yet. And the emphasis here is the word yet.

But, Ms V, do not worry. I am here for you whenever you need me.


Blogger Shopper Mom said...

it is true what u said about having shifting priorities post marriage and kids. between work and family demands, it is kinda tricky to strike a fair balance between those 2, let alone get time off to hang out with friends. sad to say, this is the reality.

unless u have a super understanding wife (like me.. hehe), u do get the occassional happy hour time and the nights out with the boys a couple of times a month. provided u give the same space to her too. ;)

marriage does not mean the end of friendships, so don't worry.

12:15 AM  
Blogger Foxybabe said...

A marraige counselor once told me:
"To be married is to work on your marriage." Do not be "married but single" kind of people.

That is: you dont go out with your friends like u used to. Sure, you could meet up your friends every once in a while for brunch. But to do brunch every week like routine screams trouble.

After all, all the "bad things" starts from "nothing".

Maybe he has a point there. He's a marriage counselor.

Me? dunno. Tak kawin lagi.

Tapi, kalau dah kawin, bukan Syaitan akan berusaha sedaya upaya utk menretak belahkan rumah tangga ke? There's your clue. Bile lepas kawin, bile ada dugaan, jangan cepat putus asa.

Like I said before in your previous entry: there's no such thing as soul mate. You just have to work at it.


3:12 AM  
Blogger shobshob said...

based on my viewing, almost all married couple will be spending time with the family. it's really hard to see them hanging out with friends, except probably during lunch hour or something..

so how? sounds kinda boring.. but this is my opinion, i'm sure other people might disagree..

hmmm i like this most.. and i'm really interested to see other people's comments, especially from the married ones..

4:22 AM  
Blogger aalborg said...

ah muddy. so surreal.... nantilah engko punya turn.

11:35 AM  
Blogger the kimster said...

The main thing is to be kind to yourself.

Just don't lose yourself. It is difficult, but you will find a way.

5:32 PM  
Blogger 9 said...

if i may be so bold in suggesting; as weird as it sounds, khawin je dgn ur best fren tu. abis cerita. :p

7:36 PM  
Anonymous miumiu said...

am i single? yes. do i have used to be single but now married friends? yes. am i still friends with them? ahmm, not principe is when my friends get married i will not try to make any contact i.e. no phone calls,no sms, no nothing. i just don't know when would be the right time to do that without disturbing them so i leave it to them to make the first move. if they don't ever call me or make any contact then i would just consider the friendship is lost. so married friends the ball is in your singles will be around to entertain your 3am i'm not sure if my husband still loves me call but we know u will not be around to entertain our 11pm how are you call..sad but true.

10:21 PM  
Anonymous Allyse said...

sobb..sobb, my bestfriend is getting married this weekend..and i'm already feeling like i'm loosing her... :(( i mean, belum kawen pun her world is about him..lagi laa bila dah kawen..uhuhuhuhuhuh..

Miumiu, i agreed with you 200%

12:09 AM  
Blogger RosiePosie said...

i guess its true that priorities shift once you tie the knot and settle down but then again, I'm a firm believer that great friendships will be kept regardless of the circumstance at hand ;)

5:01 AM  
Blogger mangolisa said...

I think it is very important to have your own circle of friends, your own hobbies, your own interests, your own space, your own time whether you are single, married or in a serious relationship.
It is childish to think that one person is enough in your life. And we are organic - we change as a person and as part of a unit. soemtimes the whole unit changes. But the point is knowing you ahve to dance with and aroudn all these relationships and around your own needs/interests/passions.
I think it is *degrading* to expect someone not to change :P that is as selfish as expecting him/her to change just for you :P

8:49 AM  
Blogger Lolly said...

Married or not, friends to me is like a pair of good undies. You'd like to wear em forever, but at some point in time, you will have to admit that you have overused them and it is time for them to do what natural comes. Retire to life.

4:30 PM  
Blogger About Blogreader said...

Being married is a good smokescreen for when you're too lazy to hang out with a certain person. One day in the future, you should try it with Ms. V.

5:11 PM  
Blogger KaiserSoze said...

Ah, am so sorry to confirm that the promise you just made is and will be an empty promise. Post-marriage, no matter how hard you try, friends will somehow take the backseat. Trust me, wifey is making noise for me to go to a school boys get together coz I promised to take her for a show earlier..*sigh*

5:29 PM  
Anonymous AyuIkhwani said...

Alamak Muddy, now you've made me wanna cry..

Miumiu.. you are so true! Nearly all my close friends are married, and now, when I'm lonely, I don't really have any place to turn to.. as opposed to the you-can-call-me-anytime-even-at-3am phone numbers I used to have, now I have to respect their spouses..

But yes, I know we have to understand that marriage also comes with responsibilities towards the family so I TRY VERY HARD to understand and pretend I don't care.. when deep down inside, its a whole different story!

6:17 PM  
Blogger Halva said...

you'll work it out.

2:27 AM  
Blogger Cosmic_GurL said...

It's happening to me as we speak! My close friend is getting married end of Mac and I hardly see her anymore. Itu belum kahwin lagi tu, baru preparation stage! We just have to accept the fact that priorities will change and it's up to both parties to make an effort.

2:46 AM  
Blogger Muddy said...

shopper mom :

you are a super understanding wife! i don't know many who would let their hubs go watch fort minor concert! ;P

and yeah, i totally understand how time would not permit chilling time with friends, especially when the time you have is prioritised between family and work...

but can i ask you something? as honest as honesty can be, do you find your frienships with your single friends still relevant to you especially at your stage of life?

foxybabe :

you got a point there. it is deem only correct once you get married, the things you did when you were single have to be disposed of. but, what worries me, does that mean frienships as well? especially with the single folks?

but i guess when you are married, your marriage is the focus of all things. letting friendship go astray doesn't seem to compare to a marriage that does...

shobshob :

hahahaha well, i don't think its completely boring. to do things esp with the one you love ain't all that bad man!

4:48 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

ailin :

hahahhahaa! is that well wishing or a curse babe? ;P

the kimster :

wow, the advice given is deep man! hahaha...ok, don't lose myself. in other words, are you saying that the majority of the married ones lose themselves in the marriage, causing friendships to deterioate as a result? hmmm...this could be it.

9 :

hahahahaha! that won't happen in my life time man! :P

4:58 PM  
Blogger Shopper Mom said...

muddy dear,
i still value my friendship with my gfs just as much as before although we don't hang out as much as we'd like to. before marriage, we meet up for coffee or clubbing almost every week. after one by one started getting hitched, pregnant, etc. the intervals starts getting longer and longer.

honestly, nowadays the only times we get to see each other is at our children's b'day parties! as pathetic as it sounds, it's true.
anyhow, we do make a conscious effort to get together just us girls minus husbands & kids once in a while. it's always a blast.

to answer ur question, yes i do find my friendship with my single friends still very much relevant. afterall, we do have emails and blogs as a means to keep in touch!

ur concerns are very valid as more often than not, we see friendships disintegrate once marriage steps in. i wouldn't want that to happen to me.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

miumiu :

hey, thanks for dropping by! :)

you got a point there. it seems that, because we are not married, it is automatically assumed that we have time to be there for our friends all the time. its a given there since a) we don't have a spouse to entertain 24/7, b) we don't have kids to entertain 24/7, and c) we don't have in-laws to avoid 24/7. for this reason, we get overlooked, and the end, we do feel used...

but strive on. it takes two to tango in both marriages and in friendships. :)

allyse :

the thing i realised is that perhaps its us that don't see it properly. it's hard to see or to embrace change, especially when this applies to frienships.

but as mangolisa pointed out, change is organic and it is only natural. i guess, after saying that, we just have to celebrate whatever we have and continue to be friends no matter what...

rosieposie :

hey, ice cream! (that's the nick i give to you ;P ) i also like to believe that great friendships will last. i will continue to think so no matter what. :))

5:07 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

mangolisa :

hehehe...your mention of RESPECT got me vision-ing you doing an aretha number! ;P

you are SO right here. perhaps that's key to all of this. perhaps what is the heart of things is that it is difficult to see things change. but like you say, change cannot be denied, because its only natural.

lolly :

hahahhahaah! your comparison is hilarious! for some reason, your comment sent images of hot victoria secret girls in my head! yummers! ;P (alamak...cannot concentrate...)

blogreader :

hahhahahaha!!! is that what you do as well babe??? ;D

5:13 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

kaisersoze :

hahhahaha dude! you better run with the boys man! once in a while, why not right? but its very cool that you enjoy spending time with wifey, to the point that the boys come in second! :P

ayu :

hey dear, don't be sad! i think when it is your turn, she will be there happy and supportive, just like you are right now!

it's sad to see friendships change. but at the moment, all we can do is celebrate the frienship we have. :)

halva :

i like to think that i will. :))

5:16 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

cosmic gurl :

to think about it, i don't know how i will react when any of my comrades get married. haiyoh, why is it i am feeling sad and happy all of a sudden? :( :)

5:18 PM  

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